Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Going, going, staying put
Yeah, so I was going to do the Korea thing. But no more. I have decided to stay put. I took a job with the State of Washington. And that's really all I have to say about that right now.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
When you know
Last week I was never wanting to step foot in Korea. I was banking on getting a job in Olympia, and that would be that - I would live the rest of my life in Olympia, be happy, single, working towards owning a house, moving up the ladder while being employed with the state, etc. I would eventually find a church, maybe find a gal to marry and have kids, etc. I was afraid as hell to let go of this town last week. And, once again in a matter of three weeks, I am back on the path of setting my feet in a foreign land doing what I was meant to do: teach.
Why the change of heart? I asked my sister last week, as well, what she thought I should do. Her response: "Is moving to Korea a career move?" I answered no at the time. But now that I have had a number of job offers and have looked at things more closely, I now see it as a career. Also, fear subsided. As Piter De Vries from Dune would say, "Fear is the mind killer. I set my min in motion..." And as the Lord says: Fear God alone. I will probably go through a bout of fear again... it seems to come in waves, about a week apart. I wonder where my fear will be when I am ready to board the plane? But I am starting to figure out who I am, who I am to be and what I am to do. I already know what I have. That much is clear.
I think it's important for all of us to consider what we are and what we have before we figure out what to do. And that is what this whole process is all about.
What I am:
I am a child of the Most High, purchased and redeemed by Jesus Christ
I am a Christian
I am a man of God who struggles still with this earthly body (I still do what I don't want to do).
I am a man that needs to allow God to have his way with me.
I am a man with gifts of whom the Father has given him.
I am a man responsible for these gifts.
I am a world traveler.
I am a lifelong learner.
I am a teacher.
What I have:
I have Jesus.
I have salvation.
I have a Teacher, a Mentor, and a Friend.
I have family and friends that love me.
I have a God who has gone before me in all I do.
I have a great education and professors and alumni that I count as close friends.
I have eyes that can see and ears that can hear.
I have faith, not even the size of a mustard seed.
I don't consider these a mantra or anything of the sort. If they were, they'd hang on my mirror and I would repeat them 10x every morning and night. Rather, they are merely the truth, things of which I forget. Perhaps I should print them out and place them in areas where I look on a continual basis. I am living proof of how one can view oneself in a mirror and in a split second forget exactly what I look like prior to that view. Maybe I should gaize longer, looking further into myself and contemplating the greatness of God in my life.
I consider, too, who I would like to be. A very good friend of mine recently asked his friends and family this question. After we all answered, he summed it up quite beautifully in front of his family and friends. These were the most humble of words I ever heard come fromt the mouth of a good, Godly man. He simply said: I wish I could be who I am sometimes all the time. Ditto, Mr. Beeson. I, too, want that in my life. The longer I breathe, the more I realize how much more I need and want to be like the one with whom I yearn for.
Why the change of heart? I asked my sister last week, as well, what she thought I should do. Her response: "Is moving to Korea a career move?" I answered no at the time. But now that I have had a number of job offers and have looked at things more closely, I now see it as a career. Also, fear subsided. As Piter De Vries from Dune would say, "Fear is the mind killer. I set my min in motion..." And as the Lord says: Fear God alone. I will probably go through a bout of fear again... it seems to come in waves, about a week apart. I wonder where my fear will be when I am ready to board the plane? But I am starting to figure out who I am, who I am to be and what I am to do. I already know what I have. That much is clear.
I think it's important for all of us to consider what we are and what we have before we figure out what to do. And that is what this whole process is all about.
What I am:
I am a child of the Most High, purchased and redeemed by Jesus Christ
I am a Christian
I am a man of God who struggles still with this earthly body (I still do what I don't want to do).
I am a man that needs to allow God to have his way with me.
I am a man with gifts of whom the Father has given him.
I am a man responsible for these gifts.
I am a world traveler.
I am a lifelong learner.
I am a teacher.
What I have:
I have Jesus.
I have salvation.
I have a Teacher, a Mentor, and a Friend.
I have family and friends that love me.
I have a God who has gone before me in all I do.
I have a great education and professors and alumni that I count as close friends.
I have eyes that can see and ears that can hear.
I have faith, not even the size of a mustard seed.
I don't consider these a mantra or anything of the sort. If they were, they'd hang on my mirror and I would repeat them 10x every morning and night. Rather, they are merely the truth, things of which I forget. Perhaps I should print them out and place them in areas where I look on a continual basis. I am living proof of how one can view oneself in a mirror and in a split second forget exactly what I look like prior to that view. Maybe I should gaize longer, looking further into myself and contemplating the greatness of God in my life.
I consider, too, who I would like to be. A very good friend of mine recently asked his friends and family this question. After we all answered, he summed it up quite beautifully in front of his family and friends. These were the most humble of words I ever heard come fromt the mouth of a good, Godly man. He simply said: I wish I could be who I am sometimes all the time. Ditto, Mr. Beeson. I, too, want that in my life. The longer I breathe, the more I realize how much more I need and want to be like the one with whom I yearn for.
It may have busted
Where has my passion for Korea gone? It is not there anymore. I really don't know what to say. I have such a range of emotions going on with me at this point. I was pretty upset earlier while alone with God. Like I explained to Him, "I hear people telling me, "Yes! Go for it." and a few other's that are concerned and saying, "Are you sure this is a career or just a vacation?" I hear both ends. But I don't hear God. I admit, I've been very frustrated in my faith for a while. I'm feeling despaired.
That's enough for now.
That's enough for now.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
I have been struggling with many things lately. It doesn't help that I am not a patient person, either. For the first time in my life I am unemployed, laid off since October 30th, 2007. Since November 1st, 2007, I have applied for over 40 jobs, most of which I am overqualified for thereby not getting a phone call. That's the funny thing about Olympia. You can bank on getting a job pouring espresso, lifting hay bails, etc. but I make more on unemployment than I would otherwise. Then there's state jobs. I have applied for many, and so far I have had 1 interview. The L & I department I was interviewing for would have hired me except that the supervisor was told by her supervisor to hire from within the office. Such is the style of getting hired at the state. It's who you know and how long you can hold out for a position. No biggy. And, no, I'm not a slacker or someone who doesn't like to work. Quite the contrary. I love working. I love people. I have loved going to work ever since I started working back when I was 15 (except for one job that I had about a year ago... when you can't stand the sight of your supervisor, you are going to feel the same about your job, too). My first job was at Baskin Robins. It's the only job where I was fired. I was caught eating ice cream in the walk-in freezer. The next day I was looking at the schedule and found my name not to be there and a note with my name on it. I opened the note. It simply read, "Chad, I don't think you are going to fit here." Oh, the shame that I felt, especially in front of my peers. At the time it taught me a lesson: if you are going to sneak food from the restaurant you work at, do it when no one is looking. I moved on and got a job at a pizzeria. And so life went on.
But to get back to the point I'm trying to make in this blog, I am at a crossroad in my life where I am sensing a thorough "doneness" with Seattle, Olympia, Western Washington, actually, America as a whole. I am sincerely being called out of here. Yes, I've been in prayer about this. A close friend asked me, "Have you been praying for God's will?" Maybe not in those exact words, but it went something like this: "God! What do you want me to do? I am not fitting here! Why did you place within my heart a desire to teach? And why am I not teaching? WHY DID THINGS END UP AS THEY HAVE ENDED UP? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" I love how God answers our prayers. The desires of our heart, the things in which He has placed within our heart... He is the manufacturer of my heart, no longer a heart of stone, but of flesh. It's a beautiful, complex heart. It senses God's presense and/or spirit. It knows His boundaries and where those boundaries have been placed. It belongs to Him. At this time it experiences less joy than sorrow, but I can handle that. I want to handle that. I want a heart for God.
A week after I was laid off at Teknotherm, I sent out a mass email to all my friends here and abroad. I wasn't surprised to hear from my former boss at Northwest University. Gayle managed the bookstore; I was her employee for a little over two years. She guided me through many difficult times and always had wise, Godly advise. Her advise was no different in her response to my email. She stated that jobs are plenty in Korea and that maybe I should consider teaching in Seoul for a year or two. Of course! Why hadn't I thought of that before? But it freaked me out just thinking about it. What about my family? My friends? What will they do without me? Wait..... Let's turn this around a bit. What will I do without them? I have concluded in the past couple months that I am not anyone's savior. I've pleaded with my father to become a Christian. He wants nothing to do with it. Yes, I have honestly felt that it is my role as a Christian and a son to become this sort of sentry for my father's wellbeing and salvation, as well as the rest of my family's salvation. What a crock of crap. As soon as I awoke from my delusion, I realized this: I cannot change anyone. I cannot save anyone. Only God can. Of course I will pray continually for my family, but what good am I warming a bench in Olympia? Olympia... I never thought I would move back to my hometown in a million years. But I had to. At first I moved back into my parents house. The pairing of my father and me is like matching mongoose with cobra. I am now residing at my grandmother's house, vacant since her passing away in March of 2007. I have old friends here, and I stare down old streets, old avenues, and old memories. I feel trapped, as if I have returned to a bathtub full of dirty water and been made to bathe in it for a time. My old friends tell me, "Olympia's not that bad, dude." It's not that though. I am restless. I have tasted the honey of traveling. I've been to many cool places. I am an explorer. Olympia's two lanes to Lacey and Tumwater have been explored way too often. Way too many memories. I need new memories from a new town. A new city. A new culture. A new society. And I need to experience it with the mercy that God has given me. I want to embrace a new society with a love that only God can generate. I am trying my best to explain this. But why eat at McDonalds when you can create something original and far more satisfying with the creativity and gifts that God has given you? I am SO tired of taking the easy way out, of the 9-5... I am restless for a new experience. And this is it.
So South Korea is my next venture. I attempted to teach there before, about three years ago. I decided not to go through with it due to the school I was to be employed at: blacklisted on the internet, i.e. a bad place to work. Now I look at the prospect of this new venture: I have friends over there (with whom are pastors). In turn they have 9 teachers in their congregation that know me by now (thanks Gayle) and are helping me with the process of employment. I am SO thankful I didn't go through with it last time. Yeah, yeah, hindsight is 20/20, but nonetheless, what good timing.
I'm excited. I'm sad, too. I'm sad that I will not get to see my family, especially my nephews, on a daily basis. But nonetheless, I think I'll be a bigger hero to them as I pursue this dream of mine. Moreover, there is no shame when you open up a note from God... it simply says, "I don't think you are going to fit here anymore." I love that. I love having a calling. I love how concrete it is. It's not safe by any means, but it is a commission by Him. It is of the highest calling. If any of you lack that in your life, I certainly know how you feel. It sucks! A person with no vision has no hope. But with Christ, we have an author for our life. As Psalm 20:4 states:
May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans.
Word.
Please be advised that I will be documenting my entire stay there with pics, video, and email. I invite you all to not only travel with me via the internet, but do this also in spirit and prayer. Pray for Seoul. It is a very materialistic society, very much devoid of the Christian faith. They need Jesus. That's why Dr. Dwayne and Gayle Turner are pastoring there, and that is why I am going. Teaching will be my job. My Christian faith is and always will be my destiny and life. I am glad you can (hopefully) share with me the joy in all of this.
Blessings,
Chad.
But to get back to the point I'm trying to make in this blog, I am at a crossroad in my life where I am sensing a thorough "doneness" with Seattle, Olympia, Western Washington, actually, America as a whole. I am sincerely being called out of here. Yes, I've been in prayer about this. A close friend asked me, "Have you been praying for God's will?" Maybe not in those exact words, but it went something like this: "God! What do you want me to do? I am not fitting here! Why did you place within my heart a desire to teach? And why am I not teaching? WHY DID THINGS END UP AS THEY HAVE ENDED UP? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" I love how God answers our prayers. The desires of our heart, the things in which He has placed within our heart... He is the manufacturer of my heart, no longer a heart of stone, but of flesh. It's a beautiful, complex heart. It senses God's presense and/or spirit. It knows His boundaries and where those boundaries have been placed. It belongs to Him. At this time it experiences less joy than sorrow, but I can handle that. I want to handle that. I want a heart for God.
A week after I was laid off at Teknotherm, I sent out a mass email to all my friends here and abroad. I wasn't surprised to hear from my former boss at Northwest University. Gayle managed the bookstore; I was her employee for a little over two years. She guided me through many difficult times and always had wise, Godly advise. Her advise was no different in her response to my email. She stated that jobs are plenty in Korea and that maybe I should consider teaching in Seoul for a year or two. Of course! Why hadn't I thought of that before? But it freaked me out just thinking about it. What about my family? My friends? What will they do without me? Wait..... Let's turn this around a bit. What will I do without them? I have concluded in the past couple months that I am not anyone's savior. I've pleaded with my father to become a Christian. He wants nothing to do with it. Yes, I have honestly felt that it is my role as a Christian and a son to become this sort of sentry for my father's wellbeing and salvation, as well as the rest of my family's salvation. What a crock of crap. As soon as I awoke from my delusion, I realized this: I cannot change anyone. I cannot save anyone. Only God can. Of course I will pray continually for my family, but what good am I warming a bench in Olympia? Olympia... I never thought I would move back to my hometown in a million years. But I had to. At first I moved back into my parents house. The pairing of my father and me is like matching mongoose with cobra. I am now residing at my grandmother's house, vacant since her passing away in March of 2007. I have old friends here, and I stare down old streets, old avenues, and old memories. I feel trapped, as if I have returned to a bathtub full of dirty water and been made to bathe in it for a time. My old friends tell me, "Olympia's not that bad, dude." It's not that though. I am restless. I have tasted the honey of traveling. I've been to many cool places. I am an explorer. Olympia's two lanes to Lacey and Tumwater have been explored way too often. Way too many memories. I need new memories from a new town. A new city. A new culture. A new society. And I need to experience it with the mercy that God has given me. I want to embrace a new society with a love that only God can generate. I am trying my best to explain this. But why eat at McDonalds when you can create something original and far more satisfying with the creativity and gifts that God has given you? I am SO tired of taking the easy way out, of the 9-5... I am restless for a new experience. And this is it.
So South Korea is my next venture. I attempted to teach there before, about three years ago. I decided not to go through with it due to the school I was to be employed at: blacklisted on the internet, i.e. a bad place to work. Now I look at the prospect of this new venture: I have friends over there (with whom are pastors). In turn they have 9 teachers in their congregation that know me by now (thanks Gayle) and are helping me with the process of employment. I am SO thankful I didn't go through with it last time. Yeah, yeah, hindsight is 20/20, but nonetheless, what good timing.
I'm excited. I'm sad, too. I'm sad that I will not get to see my family, especially my nephews, on a daily basis. But nonetheless, I think I'll be a bigger hero to them as I pursue this dream of mine. Moreover, there is no shame when you open up a note from God... it simply says, "I don't think you are going to fit here anymore." I love that. I love having a calling. I love how concrete it is. It's not safe by any means, but it is a commission by Him. It is of the highest calling. If any of you lack that in your life, I certainly know how you feel. It sucks! A person with no vision has no hope. But with Christ, we have an author for our life. As Psalm 20:4 states:
May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans.
Word.
Please be advised that I will be documenting my entire stay there with pics, video, and email. I invite you all to not only travel with me via the internet, but do this also in spirit and prayer. Pray for Seoul. It is a very materialistic society, very much devoid of the Christian faith. They need Jesus. That's why Dr. Dwayne and Gayle Turner are pastoring there, and that is why I am going. Teaching will be my job. My Christian faith is and always will be my destiny and life. I am glad you can (hopefully) share with me the joy in all of this.
Blessings,
Chad.
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